Friday, December 10, 2010

Abusive Relationships: My story Part 2

This is continued from Part 1. I just thought the post was getting extremely long.

After I re-hydrated myself and pulled myself together I waited for him to eventually come home (well what I called home for that short amount of time). I wanted to address these issues. I didn't want things to be that way.That night when he got home, I let him know that I wanted to go home. This was the first time I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, and it should have been the last. I don't remember the details like I used to. I often try not to think of them. Much like my story, I tried to block out a lot of stuff. There were more factors involved, but I don't remember everything.

After I told him I wanted to leave, he became irate and angry. Yelling. I remember lots of anger and yelling. The one thing I clearly remember him saying was that if he couldn't have me, nobody could. It was after that line the only thing I remember at this point was him holding me down and raping me. I used to remember detail for detail... everything. But since I wasn't speaking about it I chose to forget it rather than deal with it. I remember fighting before he actually held me down. I remember making sure I said "no" and "stop"... just like they taught in school... so that it would make it clearly rape. I remember reasonably trying to talk to him and even work things out. I reminded him I was pregnant with HIS child and hurting me was hurting the baby. Nothing I said phased him. It's when I was crying and begging that he went from just holding me down to holding me down by my throat. I was making too much noise crying so he had my mouth covered where I couldn't breathe. I don't even know what hurt more, the physical act of what was happening or the part that I never thought he would do such a thing. It didn't bother him one bit of what he was doing to me. He just went on with himself til he was done.

Once he had it where I couldn't breathe, I went into a panic attack. I had never been in one before. And all I could do was pray. I'm not a religious person by any means. Not my thing. But what else could I do? I couldn't breathe. You can only go so long without breathing. At that point I didn't know what he was capable of doing next. I just wanted it to be over. If I was going to die then just let it happen. Yet, it still seems so petty after so many other suffer more physical abuse than being raped once.

When all was said and done, I called my mom to come get me. I didn't tell anyone what happened. Just the lies. Thats all anyone knew. In July/August 2007 he came back down here as well. Did the whole apology thing. Saying he was sorry, admitting it was his fault, I did nothing wrong, etc. I was about 6 months pregnant at this time. Eventually I went back to him. I still loved him, despite what he did. It's easier said than done to stay away. Old habits die hard, especially when you just want to have a family. Be happy. Now I did leave out some details there.. when I came back home I got myself a job. Needed a way to support myself and my baby. No matter what, the child was my responsibility, even more so since I planned on her in the first place. Then I was talking an ex and spending time together. Basically, what I needed so I wouldn't be depressed thinking about "the ex". So pretty much I was trying to get things back together again.

So after we actually got back together we started looking at places to live together. Found an apartment. HE gave me two checks to put into my checking account at the time that were supposedly from some work he did. Since he was working with a temp agency doing work, it was believable. I put the checks in, wrote out a check for the deposit for the apartment and wow we had a place! Wasn't in the best neighborhood but it was nice and we were getting things set up for our daughter to have her own room and just be a family. Back to being happy. I still wasn't over things that happened in Missouri, but I put them on the back burner to try and make things work. Dumb idea. But I was in love and wanted the whole family that we had talked about. Of course come to find out, those checks were fake. As in, he probably stole them and wrote them out. IN turn, that bank account went negative and all the work I was doing was paying off that account. Great huh? Working for nothing, literally.

Not too long after I found out he had stolen a check out my check book. I found it in the kitchen of the apartment. He was going to use MY MONEY to pay the apartment that only HE was living in. WTH?!? It's bad enough he magically had an excuse why he had no work (surprise surprise). But I kept asking if he was sure he had the rent money, etc. He kept ensuring he had it. Well since he claimed he had it I bought a $200 crib set for our daughter. I wanted to have everything perfect for when she got here. What mother doesn't?! Then to find out after I order it about him doing that? I didn't have money for that. Luckily I found out before he turned it in. He had it filled out and forced my signature and everything.  Again, shoulda left.. but accepted the sorry ass excuses.

Not too long after he claimed he worked out an agreement with the landlord to do work on some apartments in exchange for rent. Sounded reasonable to me since I know some places actually do things like that. Not always and not everywhere, but some. Yea, you guessed it. Turned out to be a lie. So needless to say we were evicted from the place because of him. He got a storage to put his belongings in and went and stayed with an aunt & uncle. He couldn't keep a job so his aunt kicked him out. At the time he was making excuses about how she's crazy and just bad talking about everything. It was always an excuse. He could never just fess up to the truth. Pathological liar.  Since he had no money obviously he had to get rid of things from the storage shed. One of the times over there, I don't know what it was, but something triggered him to try and force me to preform oral sex on him. Lucky for him that stopped before anything happened because he was about to have some teeth shove in him.

At this point I just began accepted being treated that way. My feelings for him weren't the same, but I still cared. How can you ever have feelings for someone that treats you like that? I accepted thats how things were going to be and that was my life and thats just how it was. No one could tell me different. I alienated my friends. Still said hi sometimes, but no real conversations. I hadn't been working. I was just a mess. I eventually got a hold of my savings bond money and purchased a more reliable vehicle. I bought a 2003 Ford Escape. Loved that car. My mistake? Putting his name on the title. I actually had good reasoning behind this one though. My daughter was about 6 months now. I wasn't working and had credit card debt. Half of which was his fault but no proof and even if I did the law doesn't care so it's all on me regardless. But I put his name on the title WITH mine just for the purpose that creditors couldn't come take the vehicle away. I also felt by the way he was acting with his daughter he wouldn't do anything to make sure she wouldn't have a way anywhere. But again I was wrong.

Started of just taking the car for work, which I didn't mind if he was working. But eventually I started asking to use it & I'd bring him to work and all so I could be out the house. He refused. What could I do? Not a damn thing all because his name was on the title as well. I guess he wasn't as worried about his daughter as I thought huh? His excuse was if anything happened call an ambulance on make my mom bring me. Is it my moms responsibility for my daughter and myself?? No! I'm of age and my daughter is MY responsibility. On one occasion I was fed up with not using the vehicle that I PAID for. So when he came to get me so I could get out the house he was angry. Angry because I WANTED MY TRUCK?? Refused to let me drive or anything. He had actually grabbed me by my throat and shoved me against the door over it. Then proceeded to drive stupid around the corner so fast that our daughters seat turned to the side. She was an infant at the time so this was obviously particularly dangerous. And when I mentioned it, that didn't even much matter. Eventually he wrecked the truck, refused to fix it and then posted it on craigslist for $300. He says he didn't sell it but I have a copy of the craigslist ad. None of which I consented to.

At this point I was only with him because he always threatened me when I said I wanted things to be over with him. He'd threaten to rape me again. Or when I would actually say the words that it was over he'd show up outside my house yelling and screaming. So I'd say we're together to avoid the issue and be done with it. I wasn't happy. But I didn't want anyone to see what was really going on. Why? I don't know. The feeling of shame? Feeling dumb? I already knew nobody liked him anymore so I didn't want more reasons to validate then when I was trying to some how make things work.

So on the 4th of July he found a mustang that needed to be fixed. Claimed it'd be easy job to do. I always wanted a mustang and figured if it was an easy quick fix awesome. He got the car, put it in my name & my name only. Only problem now? He was going to fix it. Ok, no problem. Couldn't get the parts yet and I wasn't able to drive it. Yea, now it's a problem. Well he ended up getting arrested and going to jail for simple burglary. The car got towed. I didn't care so much about the car, but I was worried about the fact now it's in my name. I'm just worried about my escape I paid $3,000 for out of MY money that HE destroyed. I felt accomplished and he took that away.

It was while he was in jail that I actually felt some happiness. I felt relief. I felt safe. I then met someone through a family member who I spent time with and got to know. Just felt happiness. Things hadn't worked out at that time as far as us dating, we just hung out. When "the ex" got back out of jail I of course went back to him for what would be the final time. After everything, why did I go back? I didn't want to deal with the drama. The dumbest excuse I could have made to go back. I should have stayed away, but I didn't. But it's during this time I decided I was going to work. I found a job, which is my current job now. I was going to work on ME. And I stuck with it this time. I told him I wouldn't buy things for him and I stuck with it. Occasionally I got him something, but it wasn't like I used to do, buying everything he asked for. And of course, his behavior towards me changed needless to say. He stopped trying to play nice when he realized I wasn't going to repeat the same cycle that I let go on for 3 years.

On the July 4th weekend of 2010 the family friend as I shall call him reconnected with me over facebook. That's all it took for my decision to be made of that to do. We started talking and made plans to hang out. He's the only person who came into my life that gave me the courage to leave out that situation. The night we decided to hang out, was the night I ended it. Not that it was the plan at that time, but it's because while I was there he showed up at my house hollering and screaming because he knew I wasn't home. I was just hanging out with a friend. He's the one who was always lying and cheating. In fact, he was just cheating on me during that time so why did it matter what I was doing? He didn't care about me. It's all about the control though. He knew he was loosing it and he couldn't take it.

There's a lot more details in my story, more situations. But this is long enough to give the general idea. Did you know on average it takes a woman 7 (yes, SEVEN) times to actually LEAVE an abusive relationship? Throughout the relationship I didn't feel good enough, pretty enough. I had low self esteem. I strayed away from family and friends. I wasn't happy. I was always trying to hide what I was going through. Since leaving, I couldn't be happier. I feel free. Like I was a prisoner and now I'm free. And I honestly believe if it wasn't for that one person coming into my life, I'd still be in the cycle. I've faced my fears and left. I wish I would have stayed away from the first time I left, but I believe everything happens for a reason. I'm much more appreciative of the good people who come into my life. I've learned who my true friends are who were there for me through it all and never left. I still get emotional when I get into details about what happened in Missouri. I don't even like saying rape... I just say "what happened in Missouri". I still don't talk about this openly but with a few select people. But getting it out, letting everyone know, I don't know. I guess it's just a step in to the whole healing process that I'm allowing to happen. I'm not holding things in anymore hoping no one finds out. It's out in the open. He can put on a show for all the new girls he's with all he wants. He can call me crazy all he wants. But we both know the truth. And I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. And one day, when it comes back on him what he's done me and everyone else he's hurt, maybe he'll understand what he did wrong.

But anyway... that's the gist of it all... if anyone else has a story, feel free to share.

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