Friday, December 10, 2010

Abusive Relationships: My story Part 1


Not all stories are the same. Not all abuse is the same. I never planned to go public with my story. In fact, no one even knew about it (or at least no one that I told) knew about this information up until recently. And only because of having to admit things in court, does my family now know the basics of the situation. I hadn't had a chance to deal with these issues because of course I was trying to hide the real situation. Who wants their friends and family to know what's going on? Especially when you know it'll make you feel stupid for staying in the situation. But I find that talking about it with the few select people I have told it to helps. And now, I feel it's time to just put it out there. It's part of the "letting go" and "moving on" process I guess you could say. So expect this to be long. Read if interested, comment if you will. I'm doing this for me and maybe even to help someone else who may be in a similar situation.

So a little background before I even got involved with "the ex" as we will call my abuser.

Back in August 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit. Lucky for me I had just graduated high school that May. Around that time we were all tired of the packing everything and just took the basics and left for evacuation. Fortunately for us, our home survived the hurricane. My fathers home & grandparents home in Slidell & Mississippi were destroyed though. After the hurricane, we had looters break into our home and what they didn't want/steel they destroyed. My mother, sister & I staying in a Holiday Inn hotel for about 2 months. All in one room. My step dad had to come back so it of course was a lot of stress and anxiety on everyone for that situation. I'm not going into every detail with that because I don't think it's quite relevant and I don't want to bore everyone to death.

Anyway, in October 2005 we finally made it back to our home. I went and got a job at the local hardware store up the road from my house. Once schools re-opened I went ahead and got myself started in college. Freshman year. Basically, doing everything to get on the path I wanted to be on. Paying my own bills, working full time, starting back at school, still going out and having fun with friends, the typical thing you do when you're 18. Eventually I met "the ex" through a mutual friend at the time. Well I say friend, but one of those people you only hang out with when no one else is around because they're the type that play games sorta thing? Yea, no time for that anymore, but everyone I'm sure went through that phase at some point and time. Well I started talking to "the ex" casually, getting to know each other. Seemed like Mr wonderful. Yea, we all know the story. When we began the path of starting to date, I was warned by both the mutual friend and "the ex"s ex that he's a liar and to be careful. Typical things. Well considering the mutual friend isn't too trust worthy and I didn't know the ex, I ignored warnings. When discussions came between "the ex" and I about this he claim his ex to be crazy (typical excuse) and the mutual friend as jealous because she wanted him. Based off the mutual friends past, this was believable.

So we proceeded to have a relationship. After like 3 weeks he had said he loved me. That should have been a clue, but I always take it as people can't help their feelings. I wasn't on the same level of feelings for him as he was for me at that time. Well after about 3 months he was actually saying he wanted to marry me and the whole baby thing. I had just admitted to feeling the love for him too. Wasn't ready for that step yet. But at that time, his actions and words seemed to be what you want to hear. No, I didn't marry him (thank god!). But basically all the small romantic cheesy things I enjoyed caught up with me and I was head over heels. Didn't even realize where things were going. Nothing sounds bad right now though. Sounds like a great relationship with a guy admitting feelings just a bit more quickly than usual.


Well I had a night class I took for part of my college. I was taking beginning psychology to fulfill one of my credits, plus it was actually rather interesting. On the nights I didn't feel like going, instead of encouraging me to go to class, he'd encourage me to just hang out with him. At the time, it just seemed like the whole not getting enough of each other thing. Just wanting to spend time together and all. Looking back at the big picture, it was just the beginning of taking me off my path of leading a good life, to slowly bringing me down. I began missing that class frequently. Luckily, that was my only night class and I passed... barely. Of course, like I said it didn't seem like a big deal to me.

I had also started working a new job at the book store. Things were going well at the job, but on some days when I didn't feel like going I'd call and make an excuse not to go in... from his encouragement. My decision. My choice. But he encouraged it rather than encouraging me to go and try to make the best of it. This was out of my character. I'm typically a very responsible person. I hate being late and I'd rather be early than just barely making it there. Basically very slowly I was changing into a different person. Because you see, he never held down a job. I should have left him at that point, but he was a very good liar. He still is until you realize the kind of person he truly is. So since he wasn't working he'd want me to spend more time with him. And yes, looking back on things, I could really kick myself. So eventually I quite that job and went back to the hardware store since they wanted me to come back over there. I loved that job at the time so I went back.

I then began having issues with an ex's girlfriend. Why? She didn't like me because I dated her man. Never talked to her, didn't know who she was except the name. So why would she be worried about me? Somebody please tell me. Apparently she felt threatened by me for some particular reason. I know her man as we'll call that ex and her did do drugs. Which was a reason it didn't work out with me and that guy since I wasn't going to be involved with that sort of thing. Well she came and punched me all because I dated her man. Yea, pretty ignorant. New Orleans police were called and they didn't do a thing. They made me wait til around 11pm to get a police report. Nothing happened. Yea, pretty damn pointless there huh? No, I didn't hit back. I don't fight. Never been in one and don't plan to be. If she wants to make herself out to be a fool then that's on her. So anyway the girl started showing up at my place of work looking for me start trouble. So we decided to leave out of town for a while and go spend some time by "the ex" dad who lives in Missouri.


Still at this time, the relationship going between "the ex" and I were going pretty well I thought. I mean he wouldn't possibly have set that situation up on purpose... would he? I wouldn't put it past him to do something like that, but I have no proof of that or anything to even support that idea so I'll leave that one at that. But about the only thing wrong going on were some small lies I caught him in. Of course we all know if they're willing to lie about something small then it's definitely going to lead to something big. But then again, at that time the whole thought process was "well it wasn't anything serious and he's sorry so I can forgive it" type thing.

At this time we are engaged. Enjoying the time we were having in Missouri, etc. We began discussing the idea of having a baby. Since we were engaged and on average I read it takes couples 6 months to 1 year to conceive. I agreed. I wasn't fully ready to be a mom yet. I was 19. But I was in love and wanted to make him happy. It actually makes me feel sick (literally) to admit I loved him. But it's truth so no point in denying that. But I was ready to settle down, make that commitment and take it to that next level. Any right minded person would have said let's wait til we're officially married, but I didn't. I lowered what I wanted to make him happy. Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't regret my daughter now, she's my world, but at that time I was just tying to fulfill the emptiness to make everything "perfect" I guess you could say. Things seemed to be going alright and we had talked things through, planned things. Both decided it was what we wanted. So I finally felt secure with that decision. Of course, as soon as I was off my birth control pills I pop up pregnant.

Now I am a small sized person. 4'10/4'11 and weigh an average of 95-98 pounds depending when you weigh me. Never less than 95 and never more than 98.While in MO I had dropped down to around 85-88 pounds. I didn't know it at the time, but that's what I weighed when I had came back home. So it could have been even lower for all I really know. I wasn't eating properly. My diet just wasn't the same, but I didn't think of it in that sense. I just thought of it as I wasn't as hungry as I used to be. But anyway, the pregnancy was going great. He was treating me like a queen. Giving in to all my wants. The pregnant womans dream. It made me feel loved and like I had made the right decision. At about 9 weeks pregnant I miscarried. He was really upset about it. Not angry (at that time), but sad/disappointed sort of upset. I on the other hand was still shocked I was even really pregnant. I was having the rush of emotions of excitement, nervous, scared, shocked, happy, etc. Since there wasn't a heart beat that I heard or even an ultrasound photo, the loss didn't really bother me. I felt sad, but it wasn't anything major to me.


That night we had talked and decided to try for another baby. I thought why not? He wants one so bad and he was treating me so good with that pregnancy that a baby must have been a good thing. Well of course 3 weeks later I get the positive pregnancy test for baby number two. This time the whole reaction had changed though. I told him I was pregnant and rather than being happy... he just ignored me. The whole situation went 360 on me. I was the excited one, he was not. He started ignoring me. Paying me no attention what so ever. Going to work and not coming home. (yea he actually had a job up there for a very brief amount of time). Found out he was staying over by another females house. I'd wait up all night for him to come home and nothing. Not even a phone call. He was using MY CAR to get to a job where I never saw any money from. He really did work there, but where was the money going? Obviously not to help with the whole family situation. I started to tell him I didn't want him to take my car anymore. He ignored my requests. Common sense says call the police. Well, where else was I going to go? Even in the time it took my parents to get there I would need some place to stay. I had no money. I had lost my job from having to deal with that situation. So I was stuck. Plus, the whole being in love crap.

He them proceeded to tell me the reason he was spending so much time with his female co worker was because they had a child together (lie). I had asked if this was the case why he never told me about it? He claimed I was his first for sex (lie) so of course this had upset me. He said she claimed that it happened at a party when they were both drunk, etc. She hasn't told him until then. Just fabricated a whole story about the situation. Said the childs birthday was the same day that the miscarried babys birthday was. Basically, he was trying to hurt me emotionally, which he did. At that point I didn't want a baby anymore. I fell into a depression that I never spoke about except between him & I at the time. I had stopped the prenatal vitamins and was trying to purposely miscarry. To this day I still feel horrible about that. But everything in my "perfect world" had just been put out in front of me. I was alone. I was going to be a single mom of a baby that was planned. I wasn't understanding what I did wrong to deserve to be treated that way. Ignored. Always being yelled at.

The day I was trying to miscarry I was fighting back and forth with myself with feeling overwhelmed and depressed mixed with guilt. I eventually called him and said I wanted to go to the hospital because I felt like I was dehydrating. He had my car. He said if I felt so bad call an ambulance and hung up on me. I would have called, but then how would I have gotten back? No money for a ride and his dad had no vehicle. So basically I loaded myself down with water which luckily pulled me through.


Read on to part 2 (link will be posted as soon as it's up, I am working on this one now).

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